Tuesday Tirade: Greeting Cards

It’s the holiday season again. Since pre-Halloween mid-October there is just a rush of holiday hoopla right through the first few days of the new year in January. And if there is one constant in American holidays, aside from eating too much, drinking too much, and being absurdly materialistic, it’s that a lot of people are going to send you greeting cards – you’ll probably send a few yourself. Of course this isn’t limited to the holiday season. There are all sort of events during the year requiring us to journey to the local corner store and spend 15-30 minutes digging through various cards trying to find the right one.

Why does it take so long?

Because the greeting cards are just awful. I don’t know who writes these things, but, they’re absolute garbage. Hallmark, Shoebox, American Greetings – whatever company. Mother’s Day, birthdays, weddings, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes there is a cute picture or legitimately funny comic on the front, only to be ruined by the absolute worst pun or joke when you open it up. Usually though, there is a typically lame stock photo on the front with the afore mentioned horrible pun. These are trumped by the mushy cards – spouting some long-winded half-prayer of sentiment that actually reads like teenage-angsty emotional vomit. Gag. What’s even worse though are people who stand in the aisle flipping open every one of the cards that plays music, and laughing at it thinking it’s the most ingenious, hilarious thing ever.

The onslaught of cards facing you is daunting. You chuckle at a few but none really are what you’re looking for. In the end, you settle for one that’s slightly humorous and you leave. Of course, not before paying the $16.99 most cost these days. At least you don’t have to purchase the envelope separately (how long until that happens?).

I usually just go straight for the blank-inside 99¢ cards. Typically they have a good cover, and I can write what I want inside.